You Never Know Who's Watching...

So, I'm back.

After a very long hiatus from this blog something interesting struck me and...well...here we are. 

Its been over a year since my last post and in that time I've: turned 31 (hey, I don't have any shame about it), have had some challenging personal trials, mingled in love and loss, faced creative successes, a few failures, and just dealt with the shit that life throws at you. Of course, being raised with too much tact, I've kept a lot of what I've dealt with to myself and a few close friends. I'm not the type to air his dirty laundry, particularly in this realm of social media where it seems trendy to tell the world your business.

Instead, whenever I do post I usually try to share uplifting/inspirational messages. Finding quotes, stories, anecdotes, has become so second nature to me I can do it in my sleep. I truly believe if you're going to put something out in the world it better damn well be for the greater good. Now, some have described them as "cries for help" or self-righteous. I won't deny that what I choose to share, though not completely candid, usually is something that helps me cope, deal, move forward instead of staying stuck. I want to grow and if a saying or quote motivates, or inspires...why not use it? And if it helps me who's to say it wont help someone else?

Case in point:

Recently I have become an fan of Rumi. Since my (late) discovery of his wisdom I have been using him as a source of inspiration. Just yesterday I posted the following: 

"And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth,

"You owe me"

Look what happens with love like that.

It lights up the sky."

- Rumi

Now why I posted that is my business and though I wont divulge the "Why"" it was something I felt I needed to read, meditate over, and share. Yes, its geared towards me, my struggles, and life. And yes, that is a bit selfish. Yet sometimes sharing exactly where you are touches others.

Case in point:

That one quote, and apparently others I have posted previously, caused someone I haven't heard from in over a decade to reach out and say,

"You are an inspiration Sam. Please Keep doing what you do. You mean a lot to so many people...Time spent with you is time spent with a beautiful Spirit. I wish we had been better friends in school.

I was floored, dumbfounded. Something I said moved someone removed from my world to reach out. The compliments were sweet and I take them to heart, but the thing that interests me the most is that we connected. My struggles reflected something in him and we met in the same space unintentionally.

The simple point Im trying to make is this: What you may put out in the world may feel unnoticed or small to you, but you never know what impact you might make on someone else. Be mindful, dare to be vulnerable, strive to be conscious. You may just be the help someone needs...by just being you.

Love,

Sam xo

Knowing your worth.

So something that has been bouncing around in my head for a while is the saying "Know your worth." Now this seems like a simple thing to understand. Knowing your worth entails knowing what you deserve; standing up for what you want and demanding that for yourself. Easy to grasp right? But the question I pose is: " Why is this so easy to comprehend yet so hard to actually do?"

Whether it be in career, with weight, relationships (romantic, friendship, or with yourself) when asked what one could do to improve their own circumstances they could probably give an itemized list of decisions they should/could make. And this is even more so when dealing with other people and their problems. But putting those in play is so no easy task. Alas, perspective is everything.

Recently I had started to sink into my own mire of depressing thoughts. Nothing was actually wrong. I've been working steadily, staying on top of my health and fitness, seeing friends I love and cherish.....things were good. But even with all that positivity I started to pick myself apart. A cycle began where I wasn't good enough, I was less than others. I felt I should be further along in life (whatever that means) than I am. I was simply a failure.

This progression has sadly become too familiar in my life. It starts when Im tired, worn out, stressed and it usually takes focusing on work, or a good friend to snap me out of it. In this case it was both but I wonder If I could simply do it myself by reminding ME of my worth and acting accordingly.

Diminishing yourself does nothing but rob you of your full portetial. The world is hard enough, so why not choose kindness over hate, generosity over self loathing, and happiness (it is a choice) over depression. Afterall...you know you deserve better...don't you?

What Goes in Inevitably Comes Out.

Food. It sustains life. It nourishes your body. It brings about all kinds of sensual pleasure. Its one of the most revered yet hated things on the planet. Just the right amount and type can make you feel like a king. Too much of the wrong stuff can make you quite literally hate you life for a bit. Its a balance. However, I'm not here to talk about physical food. Don't get me wrong I LOVE food. It is one of my favorite things in ALL its various forms. We are intimate friends and lethal foes. We go way back. Yet as the old adage goes "Man can not live by bread alone" (thank God because I have to watch those carbs lol). I'm more interested in what we feed out minds. What we take in on a daily basis and how it manifests itself...because as we all know, eating leads to...well lets just say what goes in must come out.

Ever have one of those moments where you sit and take stock of where you're at? You look at your life, the people, the things that comprise your world and feel like nothing is "right?" You are dissatisfied, miserable, lonely, feeling unattractive, out of control, and/or helpless? Heck,we all have. I've heard time and time again that rarely is it the situation that needs to change but rather the person involved.Its up to us to take action. Instead of blaming someone else or shutting down ask yourself how are you feeding yourself and how has that led you to such a state? The body, when treated right, is a fine oiled machine. Same goes for the mind. Feed it properly and I guarantee things will turn around. We live in a world where we are told you are not worthy or really living unless you look a certain way (skinny, muscular, or ripped), own certain things (an iPhone for example), or do certain things (i.e. make lots of money) that the pressure can be to be too much at times. We spend too much energy absorbing negativity and the notion that we aren't good enough instead of being thankful for what we do have and owning what we have to offer. We're too preoccupied with comparing, beating up, hating ourselves rather than loving and celebrating our authenticity and uniqueness. If you're despising yourself with negative thoughts and affirmations then how the hell do you expect your life to have any semblance of happiness or joy? How do you expect the world to open its arms, embrace and love you if you are so unwilling to do it yourself?

Look, I'm not trying to be "self-helpy" or to be some sort of coach but all I know is that in my darkest moments I have to force myself to change how I think, feel, live. In short, I have to eat different food. If my body doesn't digest a certain food well then I need to stop eating that food, right? Same is with the mind. I have to listen to different music, read different books. I have to watch who I'm around and how they affect me. Because its all energy and if you're careless you can be affected by some highly damaging influences. All I say is be mindful. Find those things in this world that rev you up. That make you feel worthy. Celebrate your life by honoring it with support, nurturing and love. Believe that you can manifest the greatest things and then take in the proper sustenance. You'll start to love the progression of the changes and what you put out will come back on you ten fold. I may be young but I tell you, I know what I know.

with love,
Samuel

WTF?!

Okay, so ever have someone say something to you that totally takes you off guard and makes you think WTF? Well that happened to me yesterday. Now, Im an avid exerciser. I work out 5-6 days a week and on top of that i really TRY to watch what I eat on a regular basis...I've been pretty successful about that (although thats another blog posting right there lol) and I'm rather proud of what I've been able to accomplish. I've gotten myself, with some wonderful help, in the best shape of my life. Yet Im never satisfied with how I look. It doesn't matter that I've lost tons of fat, gained muscle, become learner than I've ever been, or have a physique that I never thought I was cable of. Or that Im following my dreams and have made great strides i never thought I could. In my head Im still chunky, overweight, unworthy and in thinking that way I fall into habits that do nothing but support those negative emotions and trains of thought. The imperfections still outweigh all the good things and I fixate on those.

So yesterday as I walk into my gym, while fretting about something I ate the night before and how "fat" it made me overnight (crazy huh?), the receptionist who I see everyday and who I think is a fox checks me in and she proceeds to say "I was telling your trainer yesterday that I'm jealous of your body." My mind is blown. What did she just say? Is she crazy?! What Kool aid is she drinking? My response to her: "WHAT?! WHY?!" I have to admit I may have been a bit abrasive but i was dumbfounded. She had to be crazy. And in a moment of sheer almost embarrassing honesty she says "I don't know, to me you just have the perfect body," Now Im really perplexed. Shocked, mad, happy, scared, elated, cautious,.....because Not only do i have a beautiful woman telling me she thinks I have the "perfect body" but those words in no way, shape or form, now or ever, should, could, would apply to me. I wanted to say "Girl you're crazy." "You don't see everything." "If only you knew." "You're lying." "What's wrong with you?" But instead I simply looked at her, saw her sincerity, halted the coming scoff of disbelief, swallowed any pride, smiled and said "Thank you, thats sweet of you to say" and simply walked away.
As I went through my workout, showered, went about my day, I thought about those words..."perfect body". How could she think that about me? Im not perfect. I dont have a six pack. My thighs arent the tightest, my arms are still small...Im not the adonis I see everyday on the magazine covers with the ripped body. Yet, I knew she was being honest. She was being truthful. I could see it in her face. You know, when you say something personal to someone you barely know because you just want them to know how you feel. She kind of blushed. People don't have to be nice.
Later something hit me...maybe the world sees me in a way I don't see myself. Maybe in all my fixating on what's "wrong" I don't see the complete package. The world doesn't know my history. They don't see my baggage. They see what I bring into the room and honestly Im not entirely sure what that is,, but apparently its something good....something that people respond to. Maybe Ive just been refusing to accept it because the self deprecation is more familiar to me.

Guess this is part of what they call maturing.....

Well...here we go. June 9, 2010.

So,whats this all about? Confessions of an Inner Fat Kid? Well almost ten years ago I was able to lose over 100lbs (I was 267 at my heaviest and now weigh 165) and despite the statistics I have been able to keep it off successfully. Now, anyone who has lost a vast amount of weight at any point in there lives knows that it is not an easy feat. It is a gathering of all the metal, physical, and emotional energy one can muster and focusing it to achieve your goal. However, something that I've found is the journey didnt end when the weight came off. In fact that was just the beginning. In the past ten years I have found myself battling things I thought would die when I lost the excess baggage. Instead, in the aftermath, I have gone to war with my thoughts, feelings, emotions, outlook, body image, etc. Thats what this blog is about. Its about the uphill battle to feeling comfortable in ones own skin. Its about the inner war that goes on every minute of everyday. Im hoping my experiences and insights can help others in the same boat and perhaps we can create a dialogue to bring about some healing for ourselves.

Sam :-)